what's best for you, what's best for me?
by Merkanzee
Summary: A prequel of sorts to "actions speak louder than words". Elijah's POV. His journey from guilt to peace, from denying him of his love to not being able to let go. Can be a standalone, but makes more sense read with the first one as there are references.


This piece from Elijah's POV, is actually a prequel of sorts to _actions speak louder than words_.

AN: I still own nothing of The Vampire Diaries except my hopes, dreams and fears.

Elijah tried, he really did. He can say that truly. He'd left her after that incident, fully intending on never returning. He wanted to leave her to peace, to a life without him putting her in danger. And he'd been resolute with that idea in his mind for a good while. But after three months, his creeping thoughts filled with fear started to become unbearable. He'd left her with Klaus and Rebekah, both of whom who'd wanted her harmed and under their control. He'd been able to leave in semi good consciousness with the knowledge that Klaus did not want her death and the Salvatores would do anything to prevent it.

However, his hidden thoughts more frequently came to the front to wage war with his restraint. He was pestered with the knowledge that against his siblings, the Salvatores were really no threat if Klaus or Rebekah put their mind to it. Elijah knew that if Klaus had his way, Elena would be bleeding out for the rest of her life while bearing children she was not ready to have. He would consistently brush this off as paranoia, knowing that his affection for the girl was creeping into his rationale. He was letting the remembrance of the way she made him feel whole when he was with her muddle his thoughts. He felt with his entire body that he needed to be by her side, but he refused to give in so easily.

It became too much to bear at the 6 month mark and he'd given in and returned to Mystic Falls, in secret. He told no one of his arrival and was careful of his movements so no one would cross his path, most of all Elena. Elijah went to her home and took care to hide himself to not be seen. He looked into her window and while he could not see her, he could hear her heart beat, steady and strong. At that moment, he almost staggered in relief and was so startled by his own reaction, that he took a moment to curiously ponder it. When he sensed she was moving to her window seat however, he moved quickly and was gone. She could not know he was there.

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After that first visit, it became harder and harder to resist returning to her. Elijah made it almost another six months before caving and going back. He'd been surprised to learn that she'd moved out of her parent's house and could only guess that she felt too alone in that big house. He wondered idly why her brother had not returned and why her guardian, Alaric Saltzman, had not been there with her. He'd stood outside what had been her house and looked up into the window. Elijah felt something wash over him and before he knew he'd moved, he was in what had been her room.

It was bare, but there was still something distinctly Elena about it. Her scent, her touch was still here and he stood in the middle of the room, just taking it all in. Elijah felt her wrap around him and he relished the warmth. He indulged in the desire to be where she'd been, knowing this was the closest he could get. When it became too much, he made to leave the room by window, but gave one long look back. He wished she'd return here one day. He envisioned a life with her, living with her here and when he realized where his thoughts were going, jumped from the window quickly.

He made his presence known to his family during his second visit and caught up what'd happened in the year since his departure. Klaus and Rebekah had told him of the new tree and were still trying to locate it to burn it down. Apparently they had had their share of troubles in trying to locate it because it could have popped up anywhere in the world and they were hard pressed to find a witch that would help them.

He'd also been made to learn that Niklaus had been pursuing Elena's friend, the peppy blonde, and that his sister had been sleeping with the older Salvatore every now and then, which he voiced his displeasure at. She'd promptly dismissed him and gave him a sharp look before smirking.

"I thought you'd be happy about that Elijah. With Damon focusing on me-"

"Do not finish that thought Rebekah. It will lead nowhere pleasant, for either of us."

She'd only shrugged and returned her attention back to the map. He watched her for a moment more before turning to locate his troublesome younger brother. He tried to ignore the feeling he was getting at the news of Damon's pursuit of his sister because he knew that even if you focused your attention elsewhere, it still didn't kill the ache in your heart for what you really wanted. Elijah noted the direction of his thoughts and cleared his throat while he walked.

He found Niklaus pacing in room, papers scattered about and tables overturned. He eyed the room lazily and drew an amused smile across his face. His brother had heard him, but did not turn to face him.

"So it seems you need assistance with the finding of this tree."

Klaus only turned to him then with a grin and knew his brother was back.

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It took another year to locate the great white tree and when he did, Elijah saw that it had burned to nothing but ash, which he then took to the ocean and spread. He had not visited Elena in the time he'd been working with his siblings and they'd given their word not to breathe a word of his return. Since he was the one that took to the frequent traveling, Rebekah at his side ocasionally, and actually did the burning, he was not in Mystic Falls that much anyway. He feared that if he had been he would have wanted nothing less than to see her and be close to her warmth again.

When his sister would meet him in one remote country or another, she would tell him details of life there whether he wanted to hear them or not. It seems Alaric had taken the young Jeremy under his wing and they were currently pursuing a vampire hunter lifestyle, although they were right now working on ways to protect young Elena from being used as a blood tap for his brother. His sister told him of the casual relationship she had with Damon while he pined after Elena, who'd distanced herself from both brothers.

It seemed that a short time after he'd left, she'd told them both that she needed space and time, which they'd granted her. They were still friends of course, but there were significantly less mind games and significantly more awkwardness. He delighted in that news, inside himself with no sign to his sister. He didn't want Rebekah to know of his growing need to see Elena, but she seemed to figure it out anyway. Elijah didn't delude himself into what he was feeling for Elena, but had seriously underestimated its potential to take over his heart. It seemed the more he was away from the young woman, the more he desired to be with her and everyday he had to face what he felt for her, stronger than ever.

He hadn't been surprised that he cared for her, given the way she chose to live and who she was in heart, but the way he fell for her creeped on him so slow that even with his astute observing skills, he'd been surprised by his own heart. He'd been thrown off by his desires going against his word. He'd sworn to not fall under the same spell again, but he'd been helpless. Maybe because the effect Elena had on him was like no other. Elijah, at the thought of Elena being the only one to move him this way, mourned the loss of her more than ever in that moment.

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Elijah returned to Mystic Falls with his sister after their trip with a heavy mind and heavier heart. He did not wish to return to the town where she was and not be able to meet her. He wondered if enough time had passed to where she might have forgiven him, but then knew that he didn't deserve such forgiveness. He stayed in the room he'd first had when he lived here and did not leave it for the next day. He worried and thought and rationalized. He was building up his restraint and focusing in on what really mattered when Klaus just strolled in, chipper and grinning.

Klaus had been working on Caroline for quite a while now and seemed to have taken on a new purpose. Elijah supposed that was a good thing and given that they had all the time in the world, he knew his brother was in no hurry. Elijah had been seated at his desk, fingers tip to tip in a triangle against his forehead when his brother came in and tried to not lose the resolve he'd gathered. Elijah made the choice to leave again. He could not stay here and he would tell Klaus that.

But he gave Elijah no chance because he came right to the point. Somehow, Klaus just knew. All his siblings did.

"I was having a lovely chat with my love and I happened upon quite the scene. Stefan holding Elena in his arms with such a look of sweet love! It looks like their break is over. I always knew those kids could make it."

Elijah only leveled a distant glance at him, wanting to ask why he was so happy about that. If she stuck with the youngest Salvatore, he'd have no more doppelgangers. However, his mood right now was almost giddy and unperturbed and he didn't want to disturb it. Klaus was eyeing him and grinning, waiting for a reaction. But Elijah would not give him what he wanted and only spoke tiredly.

"How fortunate for them."

Klaus continued to eye him while starting to look put off and Elijah wanted to tell him that he was leaving again, but his lips would not form the words. In an unexpected gesture, Klaus moved forward and patted his brother on the shoulder. Elijah would have been suspicious if not for the almost concerned look to Klaus' face.

"Don't worry mate. She'll come around. But you need to see her first."

Elijah only stared at him blankly before swallowing thickly.

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Elijah would come and go over the next two years, fighting the urge to see Elena while crushing the desire to leave, both of which he was unable to beat. He would catch glimpses of her, going to school, spending time with her friends, being with the Salvatores, namely Stefan. If he let himself, he'd almost feel like a stalker. But he could not stop. He found himself tracking her shadow while staying hidden. He was no fool. He knew since the moment he left that he was in love with her, but now he was acting like a love struck boy, like how the Salvatores had acted. She had changed him without even knowing it.

In his watching of her, he'd found out where she now lived and the college she went to. He lived her life with her, without actually being by her side and he was unprepared for the sting of loneliness that shot at his dead heart. He had known since he returned from his mission of burning the tree down that he needed her a great deal. It just grew every moment and his love deepened. He dreamed of her and the life they could have together. He longed to be with her more than he could bear. But he could not. He was not going to be part of her world. That time was over because they would never be on the same side.

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Time passed, things settled down. Klaus' malovence seemed to almost disappear and Elijah understood. He was under no threat and he had his family. Everything he wanted. Elijah wanted to laugh at the way things turned out in Klaus' favor while always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life was unchanging and while time passed differently for him, the two years that he'd been here watching her were the longest years of his life. He didn't know if he could stand watching her age, watching her love Stefan forever. They are together frequently now and they seemed to have reclaimed their fomer ease with each other. Their closeness is palpable and Elijah chokes on it. Even if she moved on to human and had a normal life, he probably couldn't take that either.

It was too much. He could not go on this way. Elijah made the decision one sunny June afternoon, that this was it. He would not return to this town no matter how much he wanted to. Nothing would come of his wasting away for someone who didn't even know he was there. She would live her mortal life and die and just the thought of it was enough to drive him to his knees now. With that in mind, he gave his siblings a farewell, to which they'd shockingly enough protested. They'd wanted him to stay and it irked him to know that they'd wanted to him to confess to the young woman he cared for.

He only shook his head and gave them a sad smile. He turned to walk out the door and spoke forcedly, feeling a swell of emotion.

"I'll be in Greece if you want to visit."

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He had stopped outside where she lived and stared at to where he thought she would be in the area where her apartment was in the building. He could hear other heartbeats, but somehow, he could tell which one was hers. She seemed to be by the window and her heartbeat was steady. Looking at his watch, he noted that it was just about nine and figured she'd fallen asleep. Knowing that she wouldn't see him then, he went inside the complex and went to her door. The wood was not a barrier at all if he wanted to get to her, but he only rested his back against the opposite wall and stared at it.

He was not tempted to knock or alert her of his presence, but he did allow himself to imagine what it would be like to welcomed home by her. He stood there for about an hour, just dreaming of a life that could never be and was feeling pain and need fill him at the same time. But then he heard her heartbeat pick up all of a sudden and her hushed breathing. Did she sense him? Was she coming for him? Without a thought, he raced out of the building and out of sight.

Elijah was moving out of town when he knew he wanted to visit where he'd imprisoned Elena. It was only fitting. He was saying goodbye to everything else and so, he should try to let go of some of this weight. He was not surprised to realize that this weight, his guilt, regret and disappointment at the way things turned out, had been overshadowed by his love and need for Elena, for peace. As he stood in front of the pit, he knew he had to let go of his love and throw it into the darkness like he had done to her.

In the midst of his thoughts, he heard leaves crunching and shaky breaths being released. In a second, his body froze, deciding on whether to flee or stay. He decided that he should not run from her, not if she's found him already somehow. But he does not turn to face her and when he feels her behind him, only four good strides away, he wants to absorb the warmth she's emanating. But he resists and feels his walls crumbling yet again.

He could never resist her, despite his mind screaming no and his logic knowing this was not going to end well. He doesn't want to fight her and if he's going to have to tell her goodbye, he wants to have something to hold onto. He'll let her go, but he just wants to have this moment.

Little does he know, Elena has other plans.

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Elijah tells himself as the time passes and a month becomes two, that he's stalling. He's lingering here and taking everything that he can get from her. He wants to call himself pathetic, but it feels like it's so right and he feels complete for the first time, that he can't. He wakes up every morning, intending on making it the last day he's here and everytime he sees her with Stefan, he swears that he will, but he can never do it. He ignores his sibling's smirks, but smiles to himself nonetheless. He smiles more these days, he's even laughed and he's just so free that in his mind, in a place he tries to forget about, he knows he's not going to leave Elena again.

He takes her where she wants to go, he tells her what she wants to know. He's open and honest and earnest and just wants so badly for her to accept him and tell him that she doesn't want him to leave. He wants to know that what he is is not what she's afraid of. He wants to know that he's become someone that she can't lose, because she's become that to him. He has so many selfish wants and he lets them skate through. He doesn't let her see though, because having to face them himself is enough trouble.

It's those selfish desires that leads him to Niklaus and engages a terrible fight that leads to blood. He knows his brother is getting antsy and he feels something might have happened between his brother and the girl he loves so fiercely. Despite the ill timing, Elijah can not stop himself from demanding that Klaus not go after Elena. Klaus laughs at him, taking joy in seeing his brother this way.

"You've spent years hiding in the shadows in order to prevent giving her a bit of hurt, you've denied yourself fresh blood, you've restrained yourself from pronouncing your feelings. Quite a different turn then when we were after Tatia, brother. You were a fool then too, but when she rejected you, you only turned to becoming stronger. Now, you're destroying yourself over the thought of losing my precious doppelganger."

Elijah did not say a word, knowing that his intent had been made clear and chose to leave for now, knowing that his bubbling anger could not be contained much longer. He went to Elena because he always wanted to be with Elena. He knew he would forget his anger in the moment he saw her and that other things would take place inside of him. If he was with her, he could protect her.

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When Elena is turned away from him and then dodges his gaze, he knows this is it. He needs to impress on her the need for her safety. If she doesn't know how much he needs her safe, then he'll just have to tell her. He's concerned about where this could lead him, but she's more important right now. She's walking away and he forces out a word to get her to stop and moves to be close to her. If she's solid in front of him, he can get through this.

He barely chokes out the words, searching for his usual eloquence, but that's pushed aside in his desperation for her to know what he's feeling. For her to know his desire to not have her harmed or taken so recklessly. He knows if he pushes her, he'll be the same as any other domineering man and wants to avoid that if possible. All he wants is her to be alive and whole. When Elena smiles at him, he knows that he's gotten his point across. He's so taken in with her smile, and he's so tired, and she's so beautiful, and he can't stand up right now, and he just loves her so much, and he needs her terribly, that his body moves of its own accord.

As he leans forward, their first meeting flashes across his mind and he remembers her face then. She looked like she thought he was going to kiss her and in this moment, so similar, he wants to. But he knows that he won't allow himself that because things are not going that way for them. However, Elijah knows in this moment that nothing's wrong here, he can be this close to her and it's okay. He continues down then, wanting to feel her and connects her forehead gently with his.

He watches for Elena's reaction and when she touches him, beckoning him closer, he loves her even more in that moment and closes his eyes so he can capture every second that's led to this. Elijah wonders what she feels for him to allow him such peace and contact. He knows she cares for him, her almost submission to Klaus on his behalf is an indicator of that. He wants to know why she would do such a thing, why she would remember and long and care for him all this time. Elijah thinks he knows, but doesn't want to assume. He's not going to believe that she can love an unworthy creature like him. Elena's compassion is a huge part of her and he knows that she's just being who she is when she gives him her attention and this respite from the world.

He also questions if she has any inkling of the depth of his feelings for her. He wants to tell her then, everything that he's feeling and has felt, but the words just won't come out. He doesn't know why, but it's just not time yet. They're just not coming. He doesn't want to force them, even though their pressure is like a cascading river, but he knows they will come eventually. He feels her against his body and pressing on his heart. He also thinks he feels Elena reaching into his soul at new depths, but he can't allow himself to figure out what that feeling is yet. Elijah wants to live in this moment forever and not be burdened with thoughts to distract him. They still have time and he's going to take every moment, every word, every gesture from her he can.


End file.
